April 13

Moon in Capricorn

 

Quarantine has unearthed many deep layers of over two decades worth of body dysmorphia and eating disorder behaviors and thought patterns. As a femme person who spent most of my days scrutinizing my body is the mirrors of a dance studio, I have struggled with body image and disordered eating for as long as I can remember. Over the years, I have slipped in and out of cycles of extreme body shame prompting prolonged bouts of food restriction, over exercising, and severe blows to my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. When I began quarantining over a month ago I witnessed an enormous wave of my fellow dancers share their daily fitness routines  (pilates, yoga, HIT workouts, Gaga, Dance Church, ballet barre, etc.) on different forms of social media and I immediately sunk into the old thought patterns that always fuel my eating disorder: “I’m not maintaining my body. I’m not pushing myself hard enough. I’m not challenging myself. I’m not staying disciplined. I’m not keeping up with my peers. I have no value as a human being unless I stay in shape.” 

 

Usually, I can shut these thoughts down by distracting myself with work or rehearsals or nights out with friends but during quarantine there are very few distractions that can hold my attention long enough to keep me away from self-sabotaging thoughts. Additionally, my eating disorder always flares up when my external circumstances feel out of my control. Now, here we are in the middle of a pandemic, and one of the few things that I have control over is my body and how I relate to it. To be fully honest, I’m realllllyyyyy fucking sick of my eating disorder. It is exhausting to exist in a state of deep, dark self-hatred. It is exhausting to be terrified of looking in the mirror but simultaneously obsessed with my physical image. It is exhausting to label foods as “good” or “bad”. It is exhausting to constantly be calculating how much I’m “allowed” to eat based on how much physical exercise I’ve accomplished. There are so many more important things that I would rather devote my energy and time to but my eating disorder is always there in the back of my mind, waiting for my mental chatter to get just quiet enough so that it can rear it’s ugly head and pull me back into its grips. I am over it, been over it, and yet here it is again. So this time around I’m deciding to soften, listen, and learn about how I can heal this wound once more. 

 

Every time that my eating disorder has flared up in the past I have reacted with immense shame, “Whyyyyyyyy is this coming up again??!!! Have I not already devoted so much of my time to working through this??!!! Why can’t this go away? Why haven’t I fixed it? Why am I so weak? How am I supposed to consider myself a healer if I cannot heal this in myself?” These thought patterns would then spiral me deeper and deeper into a hole of guilt and self-defeat which would consequently push me to seek comfort and escape in any form that I could find it. This time around, however, I don’t want to respond that way. As someone who has experienced severe trauma from abusive relationships, my sweet, beautiful body has already been through more than enough pain over the years. I cannot and will not allow myself to enact any further violence onto this vessel any longer. It does not deserve it and it never did. 

 

This time I am meeting my body with love. This time I am reminding myself that I deserve to eat every single day regardless of how much physical activity I’ve been doing. This time I am reminding myself that I only need to exercise when I want to and that I do not need to feel shame if I go a day or two or three without doing so. This time I am reminding myself that my body is soft and beautiful and deserving of my care and attention. This time I am reminding myself that my body is intelligent and powerful and should be revered as such. This time I am reminding myself that my body is sensual and sexy and deserves to be worshipped as such. This time I am reminding myself that food is not my enemy. This time I am reminding myself my body is a gift. This time I am reminding myself that I have the choice to no longer meet my body with violence. This time I am reminding myself that my body needs to be listened to. This time I am reminding myself that I no longer accept abuse, from myself or anyone else. 

 

I could spend hourssss discussing all the reasons that the human body is absolutely fucking magnificent and all the horrendous ways that capitalism, patriarchy, heteronormativity, colonialism, and ableism destroy our personal relationships to these gorgeous physical vessels. It is a lifelong struggle that I, and all of us in our own ways, will continually be confronting. However, I have a choice right now to reshape my relationship to my body and hopefully develop a loving and healing conversation with it that exists outside the systems of violence that it has survived in for so long. These are the things that have helped me thus far:

  • Cooking and eating three meals a day, every single day, with yummy snacks sprinkled in between. Some days I genuinely look forward to the prospect of cooking for myself. Some days this is more of a chore and I have to force myself to follow through. Either way, I remind myself that my mental, physical and emotional health will only benefit from a consistent eating schedule. 
  • Staying hydrated. 

  • Some form of movement mediation when I feel called to do it. Some days that is just light stretching or gentle ab work. Other days it is a full yoga meditation and strength training. It entirely depends on my energy levels. On lighter days I remind myself that it is okay to not always push myself and that it is equally as important to listen to what my body needs. On days where I do not exercise at all I remind myself that rest is radical and powerful and nothing to be ashamed of.

  • Rewiring my thought patterns when my big bad eating disorder monster flares up. When I catch myself in a negative thought pattern, I do my best to rework it into a kind, compassionate, loving voice so that “I am useless if I am not thin” turns into “My body is valuable no matter how it looks.” I don’t even fully believe myself most of the time when I say these kind things to myself but my sincere hope is that if I hear it enough times it will start feeling true. 

  • Meditating. I have a strong meditation practice that I will not get into right now but meditation quiets my demons and saves me from myself every time. 

  • Exploring loving ways to experience sensuality and pleasure through sex magick (read my last post to learn more about what that looks like for me).

  • Opening up to other people about it. We are all struggling with this in one way or another. We do not need to go through it alone.

 

May we all be gentle with ourselves during these unprecedented times. Our bodies, brains, and hearts are processing so much collective grief, trauma, anxiety, and fear...the last thing they need is to be met with more pain than they are already experiencing. Stay soft my loves, we will make it through this together. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

April 2

Moon in Cancer

 

This post is not going to be a deep dive into my feelings regarding the COVID-19 pandemic. My body is filled with so much anger and grief and I have not had time to fully collect my thoughts so I will save them for another post. 

 

Throughout this pandemic, I (like most folx) am experiencing a lack of physical touch and intimacy. Physical touch (sexual, romantic, friendly, platonic, etc) is deeply healing and not having access to regular touch has been immensely challenging and lonely. The ritual presented below is one that I have been developing over the years as a form of self-love and self-care. During my time in quarantined isolation I have increasingly explored this ritual as a way to experience pleasure, sensuality and release. It has been deeply healing and grounding and is quite literally one of the only tools that has helped me shift out of fear-based behaviors and thinking. I consider it sex magick and honor it as such but you can call it whatever you’d like. I sincerely hope that it offers you an experience of empowerment and peace. 

 

Self-love/Self-care/Sex Magick Ritual

Everything mentioned below is ENTIRELY optional (except steps 1 & 2). Go at your own pace. Take what works. Leave what doesn’t. Add in anything that feels important to you.

 

1. TURN OFF YOUR PHONE! (non-negotiable) 

2. Clean your room (also non-negotiable). Fold your clothes. Hang your jackets. Sweep your floors. Organize your bookshelf.      

Make your bed. 

3. Change into clothing that is comfortable and sensual, material should allow you to breathe and feel at home in your body

4. Set up your ritual/ceremonial space

  • Light candles and/or incense

  • Put on a playlist that is relaxing & non-distracting

  • Adjust temperature of the room so that you are comfortable 

  • Arrange any necessary materials: journal, tarot/oracle deck, crystals, body lotions/oils, sex toys, etc. 

5. Take a moment of silence to offer a prayer to the collective. My prayer over the past few weeks has been the following:

  • “Thank you, Divine Light, for guiding me during this time. Thank you for my health and for my safety. May I continue to be of service to the collective in whatever way I can be. May my loved ones remain healthy and safe. May my communities remain healthy and safe. May my country remain healthy and safe. May all beings on this planet remain healthy and safe.”

6. Open your journal and unload whatever thoughts are at the front of your mind. Do not censor. Just make space for your thoughts to be seen on the page. 

7. Shuffle your tarot/oracle deck and draw as many cards as you’d like in order to guide your meditation. (1-3 recommended but do whatever feels best for you).

8. Move into a gentle breathe/body meditation

  • yoga

  • Light stretching

  • Intuitive/authentic movement 

9. Decide what your intention is going to be

  • Self-love, releasing shame/guilt, embracing pleasure, keeping an open heart, etc.

  • THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO SET AN INTENTION!!!

10. Move to your bed and remove as much of your clothing as you feel comfortable with. Begin to massage your body using lotion or oil and pay attention to which body parts need extra care and love. Go slow! Do not rush! Offer acceptance and compassion to every wrinkle, every divot, every ounce of fat, every overworked muscles, every bend and curve. 

11. If you feel comfortable, slowly begin to explore your erogenous zones. Focus on sensation, excitement, and pleasure. Take your time investigating what turns you on. Identify sensual/sexual desires that your body is asking for and allow yourself to release any shame associated with them. 

12. While exploring your body remember the intention that you originally set and imagine your body radiating that intention from the inside out. Feel it breathing and reverberating on your skin. Repeat it to yourself either silently in your head or out loud. 

12. In your own time (NO RUSH!!!!) bring your body to climax in whatever way feels most genuine and true. When orgasm is released I invite you to verbally repeat (OUT LOUD!) the intention that you have been meditating on to give power to your voice and your inner desires. 

14. Take as much time as you would like to move away from this ritual space. I would recommend that you move slowly and gently. Thank your body. Thank yourself. 

 

I understand that this level of deep intimacy can be extremely intimidating and scary to those who have not yet been up close and personal with their own physical desires yet. It took years to release a lifetime of body dysmorphia and sexual trauma/shame in order to experience the healing that my sensual body is able to offer me. Go slow, as slow as you need, there is absolutely NO RUSH. Take care of yourself in whatever way you need. Stay healthy, stay safe. All my love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 20

Moon in Aquarius

First day of Aries Season!

I was twenty one years old when I first realized that I am an empath. I don’t exactly remember how I came upon this term but I do recall thinking to myself, “Wait…I thought that everyone experienced life this way…” It was the first moment that I understood how drastically different my lived human experience is from that of most people. As an emotional, physical, and spiritual empath, I experience life as an open channel to process other peoples unprocessed pain. This means that I automatically take on the emotional states, energetic deficits, and physical symptoms of the people around me (family, friends, lovers, coworkers, strangers on public transportation, etc.). If someone around me has a hangover, I will end up with a pounding headache and dizzying vertigo (“the spins”). If someone around me has digestive issues, I will end up with a terrible stomach ache. If someone around me has intense anxiety, I will experience a racing heart, shortness of breathe, sweating, numbness, nausea, etc. Being an empath also means that I am extremely perceptive of the things that people try to hide: childhood/intergenerational family traumas, addictions, mental health issues, severe fears, perceived failures, self-doubts, insecurities, unfulfilled dreams, etc. I pick up on all of this the moment that I meet a person, it’s a freaky super power that is extremely difficult to explain and exhausting to have to experience at all times. 

 

Growing up as an empath meant that my emotional and energetic boundaries were fully blurred and severely underdeveloped. When I was really young I could not even delineate between where my emotional experience ended and another persons began, all I knew was that I was feeling pain (which almost always belonged to someone else) and I wanted it to stop immediately. I despised how emotionally volatile I was, one minute I could be happy and calm and the next I would feel severely depressed and hopeless. The extremes were exhausting and immensely confusing and deterred me from developing a strong sense of self as I couldn’t recognize which feelings were mine and which were not. It’s difficult enough to learn how to process your own emotions and experiences throughout childhood and young adulthood. Now imagine also processing everyone else’s emotional experiences as well…it is truly fucking exhausting.

 

Something important that I have come to recognize about my empathic gifts is that people come to me for guidance and comfort because I can empathize with them on a deep level that allows them to feel validated and safe. If they are feeling doubtful I offer encouragement, if they are distraught I offer peace, if they are lost I offer guidance, and if they are in pain I will try to take it from them so that they don’t have to experience it anymore (a codependent habit of mine that I have worked really hard to release as it is quite literally impossible to carry anyone else's pain). At my core I am a healer and I want to help people, it is who I have always been and it is how I move through life. Consequently, this means that I also tend to attract a lot of lost souls including abusers, addicts, narcissists, and codependents. It has taken me twenty three years to learn how to notice these red flags and lovingly detach from negative experiences before they suck up all of my energy. A plus side though, is that I also attract undeveloped fellow healers who have not yet learned how to embrace and utilize their healing gifts. These interactions are so immensely beautiful and exciting to experience as I am able to offer them support and guidance along their personal healing path. They restore my faith :)

 

In order to not get wrapped up in other peoples confusion and pain, I had to learn how to acknowledge, assert, and maintain physical, emotional, and energetic boundaries. The first step was understanding why I was compromising all of mine in the first place. Much of this was entangled in the codependent, people pleasing, and conflict avoidant survival mechanisms that I developed throughout my adolescence. Reworking these inherited tendencies required intense inner child healing and intergenerational ancestral healing, neither of which have been easy or simple processes to undergo. Accepting that I had allowed other people to continuously disrespect my boundaries was a hard pill to swallow but acknowledging that I, myself, had caused pain and suffering to other people by crossing their boundaries was almost unbearable. Ultimately, however, I forced myself to fully investigate why I believed these behaviors were ever okay and to take responsibility for the harm that my lack of boundaries had caused.

 

Learning how to recognize and enforce boundaries was the first step in understanding how to utilize my empathic gifts in a positive, healing, and sustainable way. Thankfully, I have also developed many other tools to help me maintain my energetic and emotional boundaries:​

  • Long showers and/or salt baths to cleanse my energetic body

  • Carrying stones/crystals that absorb negative energy ​

    • Onyx, jet, tourmaline, obsidian​

  • Light, sound, and movement meditations to strengthen and expand my aura

  • Sex magick to ground myself in my physical and energetic bodies

  • Spending the majority of my time alone (preferably in nature) to recharge

  • Limiting my consumption of alcohol and caffeine

  • Prioritizing rest and a consistent sleep schedule

  • Maintaining a (mostly) vegetarian diet

  • DRINKING A LOT OF WATER!!!

All of these tools are extremely powerful and grounding but the most important thing that has helped me to utilize and embrace my empathic gifts is taking a moment to ask myself, “Are these my feelings or do they belong to someone else?” Simply saying these words out loud allows me an opportunity to check in and detach from another persons emotional experience that I do not want to be processing for them. There is nothing more freeing or healing than giving myself permission to no longer carry anyone else’s burdens.

 

If you believe that you are an empath I strongly urge to you to learn how to develop your own energetic boundaries and gifts. Being an empath should not be seen as a weakness but rather should be respected and embraced as an immense strength. We move through this world with such power and grace, experiencing more anxiety, elation, despair, disappointment, ecstasy, confusion, fear, love, lust, anger, grief, and joy than most people can possibly begin to imagine. What a gift to be so fully alive! What an honor to be so interconnected, sensitive, and perceptive! We owe it to ourselves to embrace and explore this gift of deep empathy, it is not a curse to feel so deeply but rather a doorway leading into a more expansive level of compassion and love.

February 25

Moon in Aries

Alcohol is the most normalized and socially acceptable substance yet it is one of the most addictive and dangerous ones that we have regular and legalized access to. In my adolescence, I didn’t drink very often or intensely. I had a handful of embarrassingly drunken nights in high school that I would certainly like to forget but for the most part I was a pretty mellow kid when it came to alcohol consumption. The same can be said for my time in college: I didn’t drink that often and when I did I would wake up the next morning and decide that I had had enough fun to last me a few months where I wouldn’t drink at all. However, during my twenty second year (a time in my life that I consider to be my absolute rock bottom), I developed a tumultuous relationship with alcohol due to many traumatic events that I was attempting to numb.

 

I am naturally an extremely emotional person, my highs are very high and my lows are very low. When my body is devoid of any depressive substances (such as alcohol), I have healthy tools to acknowledge and soothe my emotions and not let them control me. When I have more than two drinks, however, these extremes are exacerbated and I am left feeling entirely out of control. I do not like the effect that overconsumption of alcohol has on me.

 

When I ended my abusive relationship with my ex-partner over a year and a half ago I started drinking fairly often (3-4x/week) and using very, very small amounts of cocaine on a very, very infrequent basis for about 8 months. I was so immensely distraught from all of the unprocessed trauma that I had experienced that I simply could not be alone with my thoughts. Subsequently, I ended up spending the majority of my nights out at a bar or a club or anywhere dark and loud enough that I didn’t have to face myself. I do not have fond memories of my experiences during this low point in my life: I do not like the self-sabotaging choices that I made, I do not like the self-betraying patterns that I created and maintained, I do not like how I treated the people closest to me, and I do not like that amount of time that I wasted trying to run from myself. 

 

Fortunately, over the summer I had the opportunity to participate in an artist residency where I did not consume any alcohol for an entire month. During this time, I was forced to process all of the shame, self-blame, guilt, anger, resentment, confusion, and fear that I had been trying to escape for so long. Additionally, I was able to channel all of these feelings into artistic projects which was one of the most healing, cathartic, and empowering experiences that I could’ve possibly asked for. Upon my return to the city, however, I immediately slipped back into old patterns and went out partying my second night back. For the next three days I was severely depressed and could barely get out of bed. It was then that I realized how drastically my frequent alcohol consumption had been affecting my day to day life. I knew that something had to change so I did not go out at all for the next two months and I did not drink. I spent almost all of my free time alone journaling, meditating, crying, reading, going to therapy, implementing regular physical activity (dance and yoga), prioritizing my healing, and finding my way back to myself. 

 

When I party now, I limit myself to a maximum of two drinks as I have learned that I will wake up severely depressed the next morning and will not be able to get out of bed if have any more than that. I no longer consume cocaine and I never will again (a very serious boundary for me for multiple reasons). I have consciously experimented with many other substances throughout my life that I really enjoy and will continue to explore within safe environments and boundaries. The safe and conscious usage of these alternative substances (primarily plant medicines) allow me to learn more about myself, deepen my creative and spiritual practice, shift my perspective on self-limiting thought and behavioral patterns, and understand how to be of service to the greater collective. Alcohol simply does not help me accomplish any of these goals therefore I have chosen to severely limit my consumption of it.

 

I recognize that everyone has their own personal relationship to substances and that it is truly never my place to judge or insert myself as I do not know the extent of what they may be going through. I have many, many, many close friends and family members who have their own struggles with substance abuse and addiction and it is truly heartbreaking to witness. However, I’ve accepted that neither I, nor any one person, has the ability to “fix” or “change” anyone else. It’s not my place, it’s not my job, and it’s truly none of my business (I learned that lesson the hard way). People will make the choices that they are going to make and they may (but most likely will not) decide to question/alter their relationship to substances regardless of my presence in their lives. This does not make me a better or worse person than them, we are all on our own paths with our own lessons to learn. I choose to stay in my lane, focus on my growth, and offer advice only when asked. The best that I can do is offer my love and support (within the constraints of clear, compassionate, and non-judgemental boundaries) while we all navigate our way through our own struggle. More often than not, we have to hit rock-bottom (or multiple rock bottoms) in order to make a change and we have to come to the realization on our own terms… 

 

I was able to recognize the damage that I was doing to my physical, mental, and emotional health and pull myself out of a pretty intense downward spiral with the help of my brilliant and compassionate therapist. With her guidance, I have come to understand that my substance usage was caused by the need to run away from the trauma that I had experienced. Now that I have healthier processing tools, I have a much better grasp on the way that substances affect me and can make clear, conscious choices as to how I want to engage with them and/or limit them based on my mental, physical, and emotional state. For many people though, substance abuse develops into addiction which is a progressive disease based upon chemical imbalances and physical dependencies. Thankfully, there are programs and support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and the Harm Reduction Coalition that can help an individual confront their addiction in a non-judgemental setting that helps them realize that they are not alone in their fight. If you are struggling with substance abuse or addiction and you would like to do something about it please know that there is no shame in asking for help...you are strong, you are worthy, and you have resources at your disposal. Take care of yourself loves.

 

Alcoholics Anonymous

https://www.aa.org

 

Narcotics Anonymous

https://www.na.org

 

Harm Reduction Coalition

https://harmreduction.org

 

The Center (LGBTQ Community Center based in NYC)

https://gaycenter.org/recovery-health/recovery/#substance-use-treatment

Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families

https://adultchildren.org

 

Al-Anon (for family members/friends of addicts)

https://al-anon.org

February 19, 2020

Moon in Capricorn

 

According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, a survivor will attempt to leave their abusive relationship an average of seven times before they finally leave for good. 

 

I began dating my first serious, long-term partner when I was seventeen years old. We started seeing each other only a month after my first non-consensual sexual experience with another boy that left me feeling confused, dirty, shameful, vulnerable, empty and deeply lost. I wanted so badly to reclaim this stolen sense of ownership over my own body and sexuality and I also wanted to experience what it was like to be in a relationship. The excitement of having my first boyfriend blinded me from recognizing the numerous red flags in the beginning but I eventually began feeling that something was off after the first six months. I have a distinct memory of googling “signs of emotional abuse” during the summer before my freshman year of college. I was not even eighteen years old. 

 

Fast forward five years to age twenty two. I was living with my ex-partner in Brooklyn after four years of long distance. I had adamantly insisted that we not live together as I wanted to maintain my independence and freedom and I felt that twenty two was far too young to make such a serious commitment. Unfortunately, these fights never went over well and I always received the following ultimatum, “We either move in together or we break up.” At this point in time, I did not have the proper information, resources, or support to understand how truly abusive and codependent our partnership actually was. I genuinely believed that if I was patient and loving enough, my ex would recognize how harmful his behavior was and that things would change. I believed that if I stuck around long enough, if I gave it another shot, and if I tried as hard as I possibly could to make things work he would be able to meet me halfway and stop treating me so terribly. So, I decided to at least try living together to see if it might change the dynamic.

 

What I did not realize at the time was that moving in together left me trapped with no way out. I had a signed a LEGAL DOCUMENT that bound me to this person and I had nowhere else to run as leases in New York City are EXTREMELY difficult to get out of…I was stuck. The very first night that we moved in together I remember thinking to myself, “Holy fucking shit I have made the worst mistake of my entire life…” Within that month of living together the abuse increased to a level that I could have never predicted. After the third week I knew that I needed to leave and fast. There was no changing this man and I could not spend another moment of my precious life tolerating his abuse. 

 

I want to acknowledge that I am EXTREMELY fortunate to have parents who fully believed me and did everything they could to help me to leave that relationship. Countless survivors of domestic abuse do not have the same levels of financial and emotional support that I had and it makes it a thousand times more difficult to leave.

 

In the months after I ended this relationship, I received some unbelievable feedback from close friends who I hoped would have supported me. Some of the things they said were:

  • “I think you are going to regret leaving him the way that you did.”
  • Abuse is an extreme term to describe this situation.”

  • “There must be some rational explanation as to why he treated you that way.”

  • “It couldn’t have been that bad if you stayed for so long. You had agency. You could’ve left.”

  • “Why are you so angry? He did some bad things but he’s not a bad guy. Can’t you just forgive and forget?”

  • “He did not abuse you.”

 

Each time that I had to re-explain my position, I was reliving the trauma over and over again. I specifically did not speak up for so long because I thought that no one would believe me and now, here I was, facing the exact fear that kept me trapped in my toxic relationship for so many years. It was heartbreaking to retell my story SO MANY TIMES to the very people who had witnessed his behavior firsthand and yet STILL, somehow, they were not listening to me. Let me be clear when I say this: NO ONE should EVER have to beg their closest friends or family to believe them when they finally come forward about the trauma and abuse that they have experienced. NO ONE should EVER be made to feel as though they are exaggerating the severity of the abuse (most of the time we are are actually under exaggerating because we are so ashamed). NO ONE should EVER have to recount the horrendous details of their abuse in order to be believed. NO ONE should EVER be made to feel as though they should have remained silent so as to not make other people uncomfortable. 

 

Many, many people let me down in the first six months after leaving my abuser by rationalizing and excusing his actions while also maintaining close friendships with him. A small handful of them have taken ownership for this and have apologized to me and for that I am thankful. I have deep respect for their capacity to question their complicity and to appropriately adjust their behavior. I will always be heartbroken by the other people in my life who have not yet come to this realization. They may never understand the damage that they did to me in those first fragile months after leaving. 

 

Let me end by saying this: abusers VERY, VERY RARELY change their behavior. They are not people who should be given the benefit of the doubt and they do not deserve our forgiveness or sympathy unless they genuinely put in the work to adjust their behavior and right their wrongs. I firmly believe in every single persons capacity to evolve and grow but I have also learned that abusers will always get away with whatever we, as a society, allow them to. They must be held accountable. With that being said, the most important thing that you can say to a survivor is this: “I believe you.” Say it loud, say it often, and follow through with your actions. We need your support, we cannot do it alone.

 

If you are currently experiencing any form of domestic abuse (emotional, verbal, physical, etc.) please know that you have resources. Visit https://www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-7233. You are loved. You are valuable. You are not alone.

 

Please also take the time to visit this link to learn about all of the reasons why people do not end abusive relationships and do not EVER again ask, “Why didn’t they just leave?”

https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/

February 11, 2020

Moon in Virgo

Hi hi :)

 

I have never written a blog post so this is an exciting and terrifying moment for me…I guess I will start at the beginning. 

 

I was twenty years old when I had my first psychic vision. It is difficult to explain what this means to people who have never experienced it firsthand but you may imagine it however you would like. Attempting to put that initial experience into words can never do it justice. All I will say is that that moment changed my life for good and there was simply no going back. Over the next two and a half years I went through what can only be described as a cataclysmic purge where every single foundational aspect of my identity was ripped out from underneath me in order to begin building anew. During this time I very seriously considered quitting dance, got fired from a (SHITTY) side job with no warning thus cutting my already minimal income in half overnight, ended a five year long relationship with an abusive ex-partner (and unfortunately lost some close friends in the process), moved my entire life across New York City seven different times over the course of three and half months while trying to find stable housing, confronted the heartbreaking reality of substance abuse after developing close relationships with addicts who I desperately wanted to help, and halted all contact with my parents for six months. During this time I also became vocal about my gifts as a psychic, solitary witch, came out as genderfluid (she/they) and pansexual, explored and embraced different styles of consensual non-monogamy/polyamory, found an incredible, life changing therapist, began dancing for three directors who I love, adore, respect, and admire, started reading tarot professionally, stepped into my power as an artist and creatrix, experimented with body modifications (twelve tattoos, two facial piercings, magenta colored hair!!!), and completely reworked my codependent, people pleasing, self-sabotaging patterns in order to cultivate strong boundaries and healthy, reciprocal relationships with friends, family, employers, and lovers alike. 

 

Thankfully, things have significantly settled down over the past few months and I now have enough perspective to express only gratitude for the lessons that were bestowed upon me in that time. Most days I cannot believe that I made it through all of it yet here I stand, more self-assured and humbled than I have ever been. I can honestly say that I would not have survived all of it without the guidance and love of my ancestors who I first made contact with, quite by accident, on Samhain (Halloween) 2018. At this point in time I was living with my abusive ex-partner in Brooklyn and knew in my deepest soul that I had to leave, however, I was absolutely terrified that I would not have the courage to go through with it as I had already tried to end the relationship twice before. I have a distinct memory of lying in my bathtub in the dark, sobbing, begging for any spiritual guidance that would help me get out of the situation that I felt so trapped in. Suddenly, the entire room was filled with an immensely powerful presence and I knew in my bones that I was being visited by all of the deceased women of my family lineage who had come before me. The words that they spoke to me in that moment were so clear and profound that I still tear up each time I remember them: “We were all alive during a time when a woman could not survive without a husband. We simply did not have the freedom that you have. It was unthinkable to leave your husband, no matter how abusive he was. You have to do this for us and for every child in our family that comes after you. There is no other option. We chose you to end this cycle and we are behind you every single step of the way. There is no turning back.” From this point on, I have known them to be at my back with every single decision that I have made and I have thus lived my life knowing that my healing in turn heals them. It is through them that I create, through them that I love, through them that I rebuild, and through them that I move forward. 

 

Today I am writing from Berlin where I am in participating in an artist residency for the entire month of February. I am deeply happy, wholly fulfilled, and immensely excited to continue cultivating a life that makes both me and my ancestors proud. Thank you for being here with me, more to come.

 

    All my love,

    Claire

 

P.S. I’ve included some literature that has helped me on my self-healing journey below…highly recommend every single one of them!!

 

“Just Kids” by Patti Smith

“The Human Magnet Syndrome” by Ross Rosenberg

“It Didn’t Start With You” by Mark Wolynn

"The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

“The Red Tent” by Anita Diamant

“Pleasure Activism” by Adrienne Maree Brown

“When Breath Becomes Air” by Paul Kalanithi 

“A Thousand Splendid Suns” by Khaled Hosseini

“An Indigenous People’s History of the United States” by Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz

“Colonize This!” edited by Daisy Hernandez & Bushra Rehman

“The Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage”& “Norwegian Wood” by Haruki Murakami

“In Praise of the Dancing Body” by Silvia Federici

"Witches, Sluts, Feminists: Conjuring the Sex Positive" by Kristen Sollée

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